Week 2 Power Rankings – WFMR – September 13th

1st:  Joan’s Rangers (Previous #1)

Gritty, tenacious, courageous, determined, brave.  There aren’t enough positive adjectives to describe the gutsy effort we saw out of Joan in Week 1.  This is a Miracle on Ice, Rocky beating Drago, Crash winning Best Picture, Trump over Hilary all wrapped into one.  Led by the same Ravens Defense that hasn’t missed a beat since being inexplicably dropped by LDH in 2017 Joan was able to overcome the best player in football holding out in a contract dispute, and one of the worst Week 1 performances by the Lions in league history to get a Week 1 win over a Jew. Another ‘Ship will require savvy GM work, an incredible amount of sass, and listening to Skinnamarink on repeat for the next 3 months, but if anyone call pull off this off it’s Joan.  New district new man. At 1-0 in 2018 and 4-0 going back to 2017, Joan is both the WFMR Cinderella story and remains the 2018 favorite.

2nd:  Chaldemon (Previous #5)

Amazing what happens when Chaldemon doesn’t draft Dez and Romo in the first and second rounds.  Averaging 5+ YPC, with 17 rushes and 7 targets, Joe Mixon is looking like the leagues new woman beating bell cow RB.  Currently 4th among all RB’s in total yards Mixon is looking like the perfect compliment to Chaldemon’s other woman beating bell cow, Zeke Ellliot.  Barring catastrophic injury this RB core is the best in WFMR. Questions remain around Chaldemon’s ability to continue to stream quality defenses (nice choice on the Lions Defense), and whether or not Tyreek Hill can continue putting up 30pts+ per week, but the Iraqi native looks poised for a nice run in 2018.

3rd:  Straightology Godless Soul (Previous #2)

A dominating Week 1 victory for this WeHo hose hound has him cemented in the top 3 teams in WFMR at the moment.  Everything went as planned here — Brees, Evans, Gurley, all with dominating top tier performances. The difference maker for this squad looks like it’s going to be a Vikings defense that is currently 2nd in the league in scoring behind only the Jets who played the lowly Lions and a significant amount of bench depth.  With strong bench performances from Ekeler (18pts), Lockett, (11pts), and Yeldon (12pts) this team has the bench needed to overcome inevitable injuries and virus’s.

4th:  Mule Bear Pig  (Previous #3)

A vaunted rivalry week for MBP matching up against Clint & the ‘Boys saw MBP pull out a victory, and this is surprising because MBP almost NEVER pulls out.  With Lamar Miller averaging 91 yards from scrimmage when Deshaun Watson starts, Michael Thomas with a monster 16 receptions, and what looks to be solid rapport between Ebron and Luck, MBP has no real weaknesses.  Even MBP’s bench outperformed Clint’s bench with solid performance out of the Kenneth’s (Stills & Golladay). Streaming defenses could be cause for concern, but with the plethora of talent at every other position there is strong possibility we may be seeing the commish in a new conversion van sporting the 3 piece gold suit next summer.

5th:  Death to Pink Dicks (Previous 9th)

The biggest jump in rankings goes to our most racist and volatile WFMR member.  113pt Week 1 outing with an under performing Kareem Hunt deserves recognition. A savvy GM move in starting the Panther’s defense (13pts) against Dallas, and betting on a healthy Adrian Peterson (20pts) has Pink Dicks sitting pretty.  A single reception on an 11 yard TD for Rudolph has this GM shopping for TE’s, but a solid RB and WR core offsets a minor issue with TE. A Petro-free Damus has potential to make noise in 2018.

6th:  Roger Goddells Boobs (Previous 6th)

Edgar was able to finagle his way to a victory in Week 1 over the lowly re branded “Consider Dining With Me”, but it wasn’t as easy as he would have hoped.  A season ending injury to Delanie Walker(5pts), and a knee injury to Doug Baldwin (0pts) could be cause for concern moving forward given the bench depth here is almost entirely RB’s.   Kamara, R. Freeman, and AJ Green are going to continue to be dominant, but there are gaps at Flex and TE that will need to be filled.

7th:  SweatySac (Previous 11th)

Despite a loss to Chaldemon, there is a lot of promise on this squad…  A very savvy GM move in starting Rookie QB Patrick Mahommes (28pts) over Superbowl MVP Foles, Mahommes looked like a future superstar with bombs to Tyreek Hill all day long.  Derrick Henry went down in Tennessee with injury which leaves carries and targets for Dion Lewis (17pts) moving forward, and Deandre Hopkins still puts up 7pts on an otherwise quiet day TD-less day against the Pats.  There is some cause for concern with Jay Ajayi (20pts) who had a bit of an inflated stat line as he snuck in for 2 goal line TD’s on an otherwise quiet 65 yards from scrimmage.

8th:  Two Trolls and One Thousand Cups (Previous 8th)

The Troll put up a solid 95 pts against Death to Pinkies but some key misses resulted in a loss.  Facing lawsuits and allegations of spousal abuse, and working with the worst QB in the history of the NFL in Nate Peterman, Lesean Mccoy(2pts) couldn’t do a goddamn thing in Week 1.  Another costly miss was Travis Kelce (0pts) catching 1 of 6 targets in an otherwise fantastic game by Mahommes, but the biggest cause for concern with Troll is bench depth. 21pts out of his bench still beats the infamous Clint 20 pt week, but far too many weak RB’s on this bench to be competitive going forward.  There is still potential here for a ‘Ship, a jacket, and $800 in winnings that will be spent exclusively on mugs, but this squad needs work.

9th:  Consider Dining with Me (Previous 10th)

A typical 0-1 start for LDH is no surprise, but unlike his teams of the past there is some hope here.  73 pts out of a bench that includes Randall Cobb(20pts) who looks to be an early favorite of Rodgers, and solid performances out of J Allen (9pts), and Alfred Blue (9pts) are promising for future RB depth.  Zero TD’s from Drake(6pts) and Cook(7pts) is unlucky TD roulette. A serious injury to Greg Olson will require TE waiver work, but there are options available. A Phillip River bolo tie wearing Week 2, and a creative rebranding may be just the turnaround this perennial loser needs to salvage the 2018 season.

10th:  Bear Jew Crew (Previous 7th)

We haven’t seen a weaker performance out of a Jewish defense since Hitler invaded Poland.  The storyline here was a disastrous -9 pts from the Saints defense which ruined what was otherwise a decent outing.  Weakness at TE, and WR will require the Jew to work magic on waivers in order to make a bid for the 2018 Jacket. Given 2 kids, an enormous amount of home maintenance work ahead of him, it’s not looking good for Uncle Dechow.    

11th:  Don’t Need No ACL’s (Previous 4th)

Week 1 was nothing short of a disaster for Don’t Need No ACL’s.  An abysmal 45pt effort started with a risky defensive choice of the Chargers (-3pts) going against Chiefs, a hamstring injury that may linger all season for Fournette (5pts), and a pathetic showing by supposed WR1 Amari Cooper leaves a lot of uncertainty going forward.  The only double digit pt scorer was Matt Ryan (10pts)… Truly pathetic. The only hope here is for a Josh Gordon breakout season, and there seems to be a disproportionate amount of GM hope on Sony Michel, the fitness consigliere in New England.

12th:  The Rise (Fall) of Clint (Previous 12th)

Clint, Clint, Clint (said in Kevin’s Tuna Tuna Tuna voice https://goo.gl/hcUkTB)…  What more can be said about this band of misfits.  There is some beautiful irony in re branding as “The Rise of Clint” then quickly shitting the bed and losing Week 1.  Starting Marquis Goodwin over JuJu could have been Walter’s fault, but regardless it did not fare well with Goodwin putting up a goose egg and JuJu finishing with 11.9pts.  Melvin Gordon(18pts), James Connor(29pts), and Adams (14pts) will continue to put up solid numbers each week, but there is a major gap at TE and a questionable streaming defensive game plan.   Additional depth with Ingram on the bench gives hope. Like Clint’s horseshoe hair that defies all odds and continues to come back week after week despite the Bic razor it knows its about to face, I suspect that Clint’s Cowboys will be back with vengeance next week.  There is still hope here (but no hope for that horseshoe).

 

 

WFMR Power Rankings – Sept. 3rd

#1:  Joan’s Rangers

The good news…  Joan has the best RB in the game, Sharon and Bram released a new single, and Whitmer looks like she’s on the way to the governor’s mansion in November.

The bad news…  This roster would be a helluva squad if the year was 2014.  Brandon Marshall, Dez Bryant, Ben Watson, Doug Martin…  Joan’s Rangers took a risk with some elite past performers and it’s clear that there will be some swings and misses amongst this geriatric squad.  However if Dez finds a home that will provide him with an ample share of targets, and Ben Watson reunites successfully with Drew Brees then 2019 could mean a 3 piece gold suit to flaunt at the upcoming Kelly wedding. Some big question marks remain — Will Bell holdout?  Will Herm’s tortuous past as Mr. Poof come back to haunt him in his new district? —  Only time will tell but as reigning champion Joan is the early favorite.

Draft Grade:  A

#2:  Straightology Godless Soul

I can’t find a single hole on this squad, and holes are usually readily available with our resident WeHo tranny.  Gurley is lined up to LAL in a career defining year with the Rams, Drew Brees is a guaranteed 20 pts each week, and Mike Evans will be seeing an enormous amount of targets.  Injury will be a question on this squad, not so much the players, but STD’s are rising at an alarming rate, and its likely that the bug chasing LAL lifestyle of this GM could result in a few down weeks.

Draft Grade:  A

#3  Mule Bear Pig

As a man who hits a the same trusty RBZ 3 wood 75% of the time it’s no surprise that the ole Mule went with a tried and true veteran in David Johnson over some riskier high ceiling options in Saquon Barkley, Alvin Kamara, and Zeke Elliot.  WFMR seems to be sleeping on an Arizona team who has a healthy Sam Bradford and future franchise QB Josh Rosen behind center, and a surprisingly stable defense..  Barring catastrophic injury a late round steal of Lamar Miller should secure the RB slots for the MBP.  As the last place finisher in 2017 this authoritarian commissioner has his back up against the wall…  Will he lay down with smores poptarts and slink quietly into the night never to be seen or heard from again (ala Petty)?  Or will we see a bounceback campaign led by the pure grit of a past WFMR champion?  With quiet late round QB Russell Wilson on the saddle this Mule looks like it’s going to mosey to greener pastures in 2018.

Draft Grade:  A-

#4:  Don’t Need No ACL’s

A solid RB core has this newly engaged thick legged past Champion in a good position to kick off the 2018 WFMR season.  There are questions around roster depth with this squad, and perhaps a Western Michigan loyalty on a reach pick with unproven WMU alum Corey Davis.  A stable core of starters and his usual savvy GM work will keep this team kicking until the end, but will it be enough for a 3 piece gold suit to his wedding in 2019?

Draft Grade:  B+

#5:  Chaldemon

Interest Rates are low, now is the time to get in WFMR Capital Funding!  For APR’s as low at 26.99% you too can get $120 entry into WFMR!  In all seriousness, this draft couldn’t have gone better for our delegate from the Middle East.  He got himself a bellcow in Zeke Elliot, GOAT in TB, and a great young receiving core in Tyreek Hill and Robert Woods.  A healthy Jordan Reed could mean big things for team owners Mike and Mother Sadik.  If this group of starters can stay healthy, and one of the RB handcuffs in Cohen or Coleman pans out, we may see Chaldemon in his Persian gold jacket with purple lining next summer.

Draft Grade:  B+

#6:  Brandon Roger Goddell’s Boobs

Our current WFMR all time win % leader has done it again with another solid team.  A bit of a question mark in the Andrew Luck comeback won’t stop this squad from contending for another gold jacket.  Edgar has strapped his hopes and dreams to the backs of two young RB’s in Alvin Kamara and Royce Freeman.  Will Kamara continue his unprecedented rookie season?  Can Royce Freeman be the bellcow that Goodell’s Boobs are hoping for?  Should Maxx get a Supreme fanny back to carry around his sours, weed, and condoms when he goes out on the town?  Yes, he probably should.

Draft Grade:  B+

#7 Bear Jew Crew:

Thank the non-existent God that we don’t play an auction style draft otherwise this thrifty Jew would have never secured the most hyped RB since Zeke in Saquon Barkley.  Led by a massively underrated Alex Collins, the target volume king in Keenan Allen, and the reliable Cam Newton, this team is looking kosher.  There are some major question marks with bench depth, but this Jew will figure out a way to piecemeal a core of stable bench players and persevere by bribing, blackmailing, and controlling the banks and financial regulatory systems like his ancestors have for centuries.

Draft Grade:  B

#8:  Lil Gronkowski’s Urban Achievers

A late round steal in suspended GB starter Aaron Jones could have this perennial loser on his way to his first gold jacket.  A lot of weight will fall on the shoulders of young QB’s Deshaun Watson and Carsen Wentz and whether they can repeat 2017 rookie success.  A plethora of RB2/3/4’s, and a stellar Jaguar’s defense should have this team in contention come playoff time.

Draft Grade:  B

Golf Grade:  C

#9:  Death to Pink Dicks

Perhaps it was “Black Clansman” recently coming to theatres, or maybe he’s working his way to coming out of the closet with a certain Russian Sugar Daddy, this former staunch anti-white racist inexplicably decided to go heavy on Caucasian athletes in the 2018 draft.  As anyone who has watched sports in the last half century will tell you drafting white players is almost never a good idea.  An inconsistent Julio Jones and slowed down Kareem Hunt, and a slew of pink micropenis’s could spell disaster for Showstradamus.

Draft Grade:  C

#10:  Bronze Age Religious Texts

Osama Bin Hines has drafted two players worth mentioning —  OBJ and Cook.  Everything else on this team of misfits is forgettable.  An overpaid, overhyped Econo-van driving, MSU loser in Kirk Cousins, elderly Greg Olsen and Marshawn Lynch, and a draft reach on fellow CU alum Paul Richardson has Osama BH in a tough spot to make the 2018 WFMR playoffs.  Chances are he’ll blame his upcoming losses on Trump and refuse to take any responsibility.

Draft Grade:  C-

#11:  SweatySac

A newly married Sweatysac finds himself with reliable output in stud Deandre Hopkins and upcoming touches monster Christian Mccafrey.  There are questions around consistency with a few of the higher draft picks in Golden Tate, Jay Ajayi, Patrick Mahommes, and Dion Lewis.  With this many starters under question I suspect hotsweatyoldguy@yahoo.com will find himself having to work the waiver wire in order to compete in 2018.  As a newly married man, a new home owner, and a GM of questionable starters, I’m betting a recession in both wins and hairline for Sac.

Draft Grade: C-

#12:  Concrete Cowboy

In a classic scheming move by our local urban cowboy/scratch golfer his draft strategy was to take every RB possible.  Predictably he wants to trade his excess RB’s to a team desperate for RB’s for which he assumes he’ll get great value.  Icarus has forgotten that everyone in the league would suffer just to see him lose too.  Like a beautiful sequel to a famous Greek Tragedy Icarus once again has flown too close to the sun.  This squad has upside in young WR talent, but I’m doubtful we’ll see the first Hugo Boss gold jacket from the Cowboy in 2018.

Draft Grade:  D-